Estranged Families

The Generation Going No Contact

My Story

My family is a very complex and messy story.

I’m the youngest of 5 children, and the second child to go no contact with my mother after leaving home.

Its a story of a young woman getting involved with an older, grandiose narcissist who became her husband. A story of domestic and family violence, a marriage trapping a mother and 5 frightened children on an isolated farm, and a need to escape him.

It’s a story of divorce and a custody battle over myself that lasted roughly 4-5 years.

It’s a story of siblings standing front and center to protect me and her.

It’s a story of repetition, of my mother making the same romantic and selfish mistake.

Putting all prior drama, all unrelated issues aside, the following is why I ultimately stopped contact with my mum, and by association, my family.

One night, myself, my mum, my sister and my mums shitty boyfriend all went out to dinner to celebrate a special occasion.

I knew my sister was acting weird part way through, she had started drinking more heavily and was behaving erratically to the point that it was a bit worrying.

I found out later it was because my mums boyfriend had pinched her on the butt in line to grab our food. It happened right in front of mum and my sister was mortified, thinking he had pulled this off right under my mum’s nose.

When my sister tried to confront my mum on her boyfriends actions, our mum told us both she saw it happen and thought nothing of it.

She essentially broke it down as: he didn’t mean it in a sexual way, he acts like that with his kids, I’m not going to choose you over my love life. Get over it.

My sister and I were devastated.

I no longer felt safe around him, and my sister felt violated and humiliated. From that point on I had no tolerance left for him or his horrible personality.

I became certain of one thing, we were all secondary to her piece of shit, drunk bum boyfriend.

He continued to weigh down my relationship with my mum until I left home.

For the last 7 years I have put myself through therapy, it has been a very long journey, and a tremendously painful one.

During my therapy, I explained how my mum would not respect my boundaries when it came to her boyfriend. She always wanted to talk about him, she continued to prioritize him over anyone else, and I was so hurt that she chose him over my wellbeing all those years.

I tried to respect that she had made her choice, my only boundary was I wanted nothing to do with it. I hoped that at some point she would hear me out and stop pushing him as if he’s family.

I have no room to accept him.

Christmas 2020 came, it had been a hard year and the family of my house mate and I had become close. We decided to host Christmas at our place with room for as many friends and family as we wanted.

I only wanted my mum to come, my other siblings were going through drug addiction and withdrawal and my other brother and I had a terrible relationship. I wanted this to be a bit like an introduction to the family I had created in Brisbane. So only my Mum was invited.

But she insisted on either bringing my problematic brother or bringing the boyfriend. The boyfriend became the biggest issue.

I did not want him and his drinking problem coming into my world and effecting the relationships I had worked so hard to create.

But she continued to push, so much so I was worried she would bring him against my wishes, and I had to have a big discussion about it with my housemate so that if he were to turn up we could both be prepared and tell him to leave.

It was lucky that my mum came alone, and I relished her company, and tried to talk about things we had done together and about how similar our families were.

But I got the sense my mum was just bitter the whole time.

New Years day arrived and she came up for a visit.

I couldn’t stop myself from confronting her about it all, and eventually I was crying, asking her why she had to prioritize a man who was so awful and so much like dad.

I was devastated at what had happened to my sister, and eventually it all came up.

I felt unloved by her most of my life, I felt like I was never good enough and that most of what she offered was critisism. That she could hate me with such ease its almost like she enjoyed it.

After begging her to see my perspective, and telling her how much I hate making her cry and that last thing I wanted was to hurt her, she only had one real thing to say.

“I sound like a huge bitch.”

When she left I hugged her tightly, told her I loved her very much and hoped she was ok, to let me know when she got home so I knew she was ok.

I had no confidence that we had left off on an ok note.

My birthday came 4 days later, we had arranged for her to come and see me so we could just watch some movies together, which was all I really wanted for my birthday. She called me to let me know that given 5 plus reasons she will not be attending my birthday, but I was welcome to come to the gold coast to celebrate a different occasion with my young nephew.

 It may seem like a normal situation to you, reader, but I knew that this was my mums passive way of letting me know I had done her wrong and I was being punished for it.

You learn to pick it up over the years.

I began to sob and she told me she had to go and tend to my brother’s new girlfriend who had been left all alone with her and must be entertained.

I hung up on her.

The grief came out of my in a tear filled scream into my pillow that I could not stop.

The weeks passed, she would text or call occasionally, her messages were neutral as if nothing had happened.

Her birthday came, I told her happy birthday.

Mothers day came, I told her happy mothers day, but I cant talk at the moment, I hope you have a good day.

Soon she stopped calling, and I became relieved.

Then she sent a huge email.

In it she described being proud of me despite the adversity I had experienced, that she knew things had happened to me but they were in the past and she has done her best. She never intentionally hurt me and she hopes I can find peace. She also told me to come and grab any childhood possessions left in her garage as she “Needed to move on.”

In a way, she ended our relationship there.

Its been 4 years, I have had virtually no contact with all my family, only seeing them when I went to visit my sister and when we all met up for our grandfather’s funeral.

The grief is unimaginable.

And now I have my own life to live with no judgement.

Reasons For Going No Contact

Estrangement does not happen because of a falling out, a rude comment, or a instance of poor behaviour.

Estrangement is the result of a relationship that has been dysfunctional for too long and now one party or both has felt the need to create distance.

No one wants to be estranged from their parents.

However, when considering my story, lets try to imagine if i had not gone no contact.

Had I continued to request my mum see my perspective it would have resulted in her distance or being told I’m hurting her and getting manipulated into stopping the conversation.

In order to continue the relationship peacefully I would have had to stop talking about anything that criticizes her or her actions past, present and future.

Lets say I go to her house with some of my siblings, we get food and I eat something I did not used to eat as a kid, or even eat something I liked as a kid. Mum has to comment “Oh look at you, not so fussy anymore!” or “Couldn’t get you to eat anything but toast and vegemite as a kid, god you were shocking.” This causes a knock on of my siblings playing into it.

“Ha I remember you sitting at the table for hours playing the game with mum of who will give in first.”

If I say “Well Mum I seem to be on the spectrum and I have severe sensory issues that greatly impacted my eating. Since not being forced food on a daily basis that I hate, I have been able to make room for foods I was nervous about, and if I really hate it I don’t force myself.”

“That’s nonsense.”

“Yeah sure that’s what made you refuse to eat broccoli”

“What ever.”

Complete dismissal.

Why would I choose to be a part of that?

When I eat at home, my friends don’t comment.

My grief at losing the person I am hardwired to love is all consuming.

I find myself seeing an ornament she has bought for me, or I read one of the birthday cards she wrote to me, and I fall apart. A day now consumed by feeling alone, lost, heart broken and guilt ridden.

When I lack foundational knowledge I should have learned in school, I feel hot rage that my mum did not have me in consistent schooling, or recognise just how many years of education I had missed and how that was effecting the grades she berated me over.

When I’m at other’s family gatherings, or people reflect on their fun and loving childhoods, I feel like an outsider, and like I’ve missed out on something so magical, and instead gained some of the most intrusive trauma you could ever hope to unravel.

My estrangement from my mum is a daily choice, a choice to protect myself.

My estrangement from my family is a protective solution to feeling worthless and stupid.

My estrangement has allowed me figure out who I am, why I’m so messed up, how to heal the damage done in my developmental years.

And I’m not the only one in my family who has done this.

The eldest child, my eldest sister, was the first one to go no contact at around the age I am now.

I’m not going to tell her story, its her’s to share.

We were all neglected, we were unloved when we did something wrong, love was conditional, and punishment was something she loved to have an excuse to do. She loved to humiliate, she loved to force people to do things they didn’t want to do, she manipulated and gaslit and we had huge family blow ups because of it that would divide us down the middle.

When we persisted with our feelings and tried to talk with her about it, she would shut down, “I don’t wanna talk about this anymore”, she would leave and go to her room. She’d tear up and make the situation dramatically about her and how hurt and beaten down she was, then in the snap of your fingers she was tearless, her eyes cold and her gaze piercing. She’d start poking at your flaws and how ungrateful or disrespectful you were, making you feel small. Then she goes in for the kill and says something horrible and cruel, something you know she has been holding as a weapon for when she feels defensive.

When her horrible boyfriend showed up drunk and acting like a child, I refused to be verbally attacked by him and told him exactly why I hated him when he told me I had no right to hate him and that I was getting in the way of their love.

His response was to get up and drive away recklessly while drunk.

My mum turned to me and said “If he kills himself or someone on the road tonight, its your fault!”

It cut through me, and I stayed in my room the rest of the night. He eventually returned, my mum sheepishly entered my room and said he had come back and would be staying in her room until he leaves. She said she loved me, and I said relatively nothing back.

That moment marked the first time I started to think my mum just did not love me.

My mum cannot understand why this connects with her, she sees it as me being too sensitive and being too focused on the past, she sees it as being everyone’s fault but her own, she thinks I don’t value the good times enough.

This is why I cannot continue to be around her.

She lives in a different reality to me.

Passing the Generational Torch of Trauma

Parents are starting to notice the “trend” of children going no contact with parents.

During the covid pandemic it became impossible to get distance from your immediate relatives and romantic partners.

This resulted in a pretty steep spike in domestic and family violence and divorce in some countries escalated significantly.

At about the same time, mental health resources were being offered online and over webcam and telephone. Psychologists and others in the mental health field recognized that people needed access to therapy that they did not have to pay for and so the influx of online psychotherapy began.

It was during this era that YouTube and Reddit introduced me to the concept of narcissistic families, parents and spouses, and what it looks like. Reading other people’s stories, hearing the bizarre behaviors described and the hidden consequences for breaking invisible rules, it hit me straight in the gut.

“Oh God, this is like reading about my own family.”

Soon I was seeing this information everywhere, and suddenly psychologists were making videos about very specific forms of abuse and dysfunction in the family.

It prompted me to start asking my therapist questions about my family, bringing up things that I had felt the need to hide my whole life, voicing concerns I had never voiced before.

This is what pushed me to confront my mum for everything that had happened.

Once I had confirmation from multiple sources that my family’s behavior was neglectful, dismissive, abusive and sexually inappropriate, it gave me the fire I needed to be mad on my own behalf, and to confront the past.

What I experienced is real, and my feelings are valid.

However, the parents never seem to understand why their child is coming to them with this language, this expression.

They honestly seem to expect the life style to just continue for eternity.

And when attempt after attempt is made to communicate and make life changes with no success, the child is forced to make a choice.

Parents seem to respond to that choice with indignation, confusion, anger.

After my friend and her brother stopped talking to their mother but retained the relationship with their father, their mother became irate at the idea that they would not speak with her or visit her.

There is zero reflection or introspection from her, and granted she probably does feel lonely and ashamed, but that does not mean my friend or her brother should rush to her aid when all she does is belittle and undermine them as people.

My own mother went no contact with her own parents for about 8-10 years. My grandfather was aggressive and arrogant, and if something “tainted” his image in anyway he would stab at it like a cancer. Even if that something was his wife or children, or grandchildren.

This event took place before I was born, I don’t feel that I can speak truly on the nature of what happened. What I do know is my grandfather discarded my mum and her 4 children who adored my grandparents, and actively tried to put her and her family in an isolated and dangerous situation.

If anything, he abandoned her for his pride.

My mum was left with no family on her side, stranded with a violent, malevolent husband. A husband known to them as cruel and righteous.

My grandmother was silenced by the relationship, she was very passive, her only intentions to live happily and positively. Unfortunately she also could not bring herself to go against my grandfather. Maybe she was scared, maybe she was confused, but she left my mum heartbroken.

My grandfather never apologized, they barely spoke of it and if mum ever did mention it, the discussion would become hushed and the topic pushed under the rug.

When my grandfather showed his true colours to me, my mum would respond swiftly. She would not stand for him treating me anything like how he treated her as a child.

In this situation I genuinely believe my mum was protecting me and doing her best. Its hard to know what to do if your kid loves their grandparents but doesn’t truly understand the messy history they track.

Mum was forced to play happy family too often around them, and when I got old enough I started asking about her relationship with her dad and trying to understand why she put up with his bullshit. I could see what he was up to, how he would say vicious things to grandma right before we went out for dinner, but then in the presence of his friends he was charming, charismatic and sweet. It was infuriating. Despicable.

Yet who was by his side, helping him with his health every step until he passed?

My mum and his wife.

I was not able to speak with her about her feelings around him leading up to the end. I was grieving and had mixed feelings about losing someone I loved who I also had such a complicated relationship with.

Sometimes I wonder if she’s glad he’s gone, or if she’s sad, sometimes I worry that she’s struggling and still won’t seek out therapy or counsel.

But while we’ve gone through all this, my Mum has the same reaction as them all.

She doesn’t understand my perspective.

She doesn’t want to change.

She wants to have a relationship with me but can’t see that until a change is made I just cant be in contact with her.

She’s angry at times, she’s sad, I’m sure she’s grieving because I saw what she went through losing contact with my eldest sister. And yet, she just can’t fathom this being her responsibility.

The parents seem to just want things to go back to normal, no matter how that makes their child feel. They avoid the topic, but continue to jab and pick at the relationship. And ultimately that just leaves the child of that parent masking, stone walling, and generally pretending to be there when they’re really dissociating.

My grandparents did not love my mum the way she deserved to be loved.

My mum did not love me or my siblings the way we deserved to be loved.

I love my mother, I love my siblings, but I love myself too, and if I stayed I’d turn bitter and sick just like everyone in this bloodline.

The Truth

What is love?

We all probably have our own definition.

But I discovered what love means to me when the people around me chose to be there instead of being related to me by genetics, participating because of obligation.

Love means acceptance, it means feeling joyous that your friend is themselves around you, it means caring about one another, asking about our lives, noticing when someone isn’t themselves, talking about life and the world, and knowing that no matter what we can go to each other for help.

To the children on families that have broken you down and left you forever scarred, I feel you.

Its lonely, its isolating, but sometimes its life saving.

I learnt who I was when my family stopped weighing in. I learnt what I wanted when my family stopped telling me what I should be doing.

I became who I truly am because I pretended I was an orphan who had just been released into the world, and suddenly I could add and subtract anything from myself without facing scrutiny.

Its freeing, even though its painful.

To the parents, the ones who have been cut off by their adult children.

Do you really think this came out of the blue? You really think they’re just ending things over nothing?

Parents, there is no one like you. You are one of a kind, and that’s how your child felt about you at some point. Because all children think their parents are the coolest at some stage.

I thought my dad was amazing even though I was terrified of him.

I loved my mum even though I felt like she always wanted something more from me. I used to think it was her and I against the world when we were going through the custody battle. I felt like her protector and like if I could be a good enough daughter I could fix all our problems.

I just wanted to love my family with all of my being.

But no one really appreciated that, instead I felt stomped on, I was so mentally ill so young, and I didn’t know why I was so depressed and anxious and suicidal. All I wanted was to be understood and helped, I didn’t want to be like that.

Still I was the brat, the ungrateful spoiled child, the pretender, the faker, the lazy kid.

Not skinny enough, not dieting enough, not getting good enough grades, not resilient enough.

Not enough.

You all came to the same conclusion, that your children want you to grovel, that your children want to be the superior one, that your children want to humiliate and hurt you.

What a completely selfish way to look at your child giving up on a genetic necessity.

How dare you sit with your arms crossed seething like “I bet they think this is so funny”.

Or “After all I’ve done and she does this to me!”.

You’re showing a complete disregard, a complete refusal, to see the reality of your situation.

Your child feels better off without your love and support, so much so they’d rather be alone or homeless.

What does that actually say?

If your child wrote you a final letter, or told you that they aren’t going to speak with you any longer, that you’re not welcome at your nephews birthday party, you must respect that first most.

People don’t just give up the most secure, emotionally vulnerable relationship they will ever have, just to spite you.

They are likely setting this boundary because of some very difficult realizations they have had to make about how you and your conduct effects them and their families.

All we want is change.

You need to go to therapy.

You need to read the books.

You need to try and see their perspective, earnestly.

It would make a world of difference to them to know their parent is at least trying.

Everyone deserves family.

Everyone deserves bodily autonomy.

Everyone deserves to be safe.

But not everyone deserves their children.

Resources on Toxic Families and Childhood Trauma

These are some of the resources I used to find information when I was struggling with my family.

• Dr Ramani - YouTube

• Patrick Teahan - YouTube

• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk - Book

• The Missing Missing Reasons a web article - https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

• Raised By Narcissists - Reddit (these are personal accounts of people who grew up in toxic families or who have had to go no contact, this is not an educational resource.)

  You are not alone.