How 6 Women in a Safe and Quiet Room Changed My Life

*A Sunday on La Grande Jatte* 1884, Georges Seurat

For a number of reasons I missed out on what I would call a healthy social education.

I had massive gaps in my school attendance, I was homeschooled in part in very isolated situations where I spent most of my time by myself or with adults, and when I made it to high school my chronic pain and mental health issues placed me firmly in the outcast role.

I’ve come a long way since then, therapy was helpful as was building relationships as an adult.

But…its been difficult.

I’ve walked away from so many social interactions thinking “Was I weird just then?”, “Did I say something offensive or inconsiderate?” “Did I come off abrasive?”.

I’ve attempted to form friendships thinking I was making a positive connection, only to realise later that the person is actively avoiding me, and I don’t understand why.

I struggle with social cues, I mask sometimes so effectively I become inauthentic, and I have a poor track record of conflict resolution.

It is because of all these factors, that I decided to join a Process group.

So…what is a Process Group?

A process group revolves around slowing down our social interactions and exploring how those interactions effect us in real time.

It usually takes place in a quiet space, with anywhere between 4 and maybe 10 people, along with a professional therapist.

The therapist is more of a mediator of conversation, and someone who sometimes provides insight from a therapeutic, social or behavioral perspective.

For example, say you’re sitting with your group, and a fellow member mentions an instance where they were abused outside of the group. You might have a visible reaction to this recount. The therapist may mention to the member speaking that some people have had some visible reactions to their story, and they might even ask the reactor what they were experiencing when they reacted in such a way.

If you would like an easy and entertaining way to understand what process group can look like I recommend giving the series, GROUP, a go.

In a short YouTube series a group of actors play individuals attending an ongoing process group.

Link above.

Why Process Group?

I’ve tried other styles of group or community support before, and I still think it is a very valid form of assistance for some people. However, I found that the groups I attended, or followed online, were very narrow and very…unmoderated.

I used to go to an in person support group for family members coping with the substance use of loved ones. It was a time in my life where I felt helpless and community support was comforting.

The issue with the in person group, as much as they had resources and volunteers mediating, was deregulated individuals taking up most of the time and leaving possibly more dysregulated and distressed than they arrived.

I stuck with that group for a full year before I became too overwhelmed by the behavior of some people there, behavior that was beginning to feel unsafe. So I left.

Considering it’s a digital age, I explored many different support groups on Facebook, especially in my late teens and early 20s for my diagnosis of Endometriosis.

I was young and scared and poor and I was hoping to find guidance from others in these online forums. Unfortunately, this was a space mostly intended for venting, and while that was helpful and cathartic at times it also became suffocating.

I wanted something to hope for, and those groups only revealed just how hopeless the situation was at the time for women like me.

I ended up abandoning support from group structures and community events in general, I felt like a very complicated shapely puzzel piece that had somehow found herself in the wrong box.

For years I ended up sticking to regular in person one on one therapy, and while it was and to this day continues to be exceptionally helpful and something I can’t go without, it wasn’t helping me analyze my social interactions and the impact I was having on those around me.

As much as I can I try to be honest with my therapist, and she obviously keeps me updated on her perspective on how I behave, without me recording myself or her walking around behind me with a note pad, neither of us can really figure out how I do out in the wild.

I was struggling socially, I was anxious about my ability to make friends and to keep them. I had so many feelings about going out and meeting people, and because of my disability I struggle to make it to certain places and events.

I also felt that no matter what, I was kinda just a freak, how am I meant to bond with people who have no idea what its like to be me?

To have pretty much no family connections, to have a terrible and complicated childhood, to have a disability right off the get go?

Am I really going to meet people like this in Trivia nights or in da club?

My predicament became clear to my therapist, so she decided to keep an eye out on group therapy for people like me.

Unfortunately, right after the pandemic group therapy had slimmed down and therapists weren’t conducting as many if they couldn’t get enough participants. Then there were the costs, another unfortunate factor I had to consider. Keeping all this in mind, my therapist continued to keep an eye out.

It took a year before she emailed me explaining she had found a Process Group starting a month from then, for people who met the criteria.

I immediately reached out to enquire on availability and within the hour I was called by the Therapist in charge.

After a conversation about what I wanted from the group and what I thought it would be like, along with my background, I was assured a position.

Meeting the Group

Walking into the room for the first time was something I did not expect to give me so much anxiety. We found our places and looked around, and I got the sense they were all feeling just as awkward as myself.

I was with three other female identifying people, I was nervous at that.

It was a…productive nervous, I have always made friends with people who identify on the more masculine side, and I always worried about my friendships with women and my place as a somewhat female identifying person.

I was glad to have an opportunity to examine my connections.

Our mediator, also female identifying, is a very softly spoken yet confident and empathetic person.

It felt nice to know that the person mediating was capable of holding attention, making the rules, while also making enough space for everyone to be themselves and get the best out of this experience.

*Self-portrait of the Artist hesitating between the Arts of Music and Painting* 1794, Angelica Kauffman

The Result

I’ve been going to this group for around 5 months, and it has already greatly impacted my life and given me an altered perspective on my day to day.

It has helped all of us become kinder to ourselves, which is one of the things we all struggle with the most in the group.

Each member has a background similar to mine; one where they missed out on their childhood to care for the ones around them, commonly their own parents and siblings. We all feel a lack of worth, a concern over our ability to socialize with others, a crippling anxiety around hurting people without intending to.

For every person in the group, there is at least one of us baffled by what they have had to endure.

Another thing we all have in common is seeing the abundant value of those around us, but not our own.

I can’t speak for those in our group, but I can speak for myself and what I feel.

I finally feel valuable, I feel validated and slightly normal for once.

I find myself thinking about the members of the group reacting to my life in real time, and it helps me catch myself when I fall into old habits.

I stand up for myself more, I ask more questions about my friends feelings on things, and I offer my feelings up to my friends without being asked or prompted.

I can only say that I have benefited from this experience.

*Cafe’ Terrace at Night* 1888, Vincent Van Gogh

While I am still very socially anxious, and I still struggle with my self esteem, I now have living examples telling me in a safe and honest environment, and for no sinister gain, that I am worthy and I am good.

Growing up, nothing was ever honest or safe. Anything said felt said out of guilt, passivity or for some gain. When tempers flared it was when true feelings of hatred were expressed, and my childhood failings were tallied and listed off as justifications for why I was being berrated.

Telling the truth was equally as unappreciated, it caused conflict and was considered criticism I had no right to express.

I learnt to have a set image in my mind of who my family were, I visualized them as these god like people who were always right, and I was scrambling to keep up.

If they turned and became hateful, I knew it was my fault, and I knew I had to bare the tide until the weather cleared.

I never knew how to act earnestly, or as myself.

For a while, I didn’t even really know who I was.

Masking became an easy way to avoid conflict, so long as I learned what they needed me to act like I could attempt to become that character for them.

I tiptoed around people because I learnt that addressing issues got me punished.

I would bottle up my rage and indignation until it exploded leading inevitably to poor attempts at addressing the issue.

Every time I was complimented, I crumpled it up into a ball and tossed it out of my mind, because it wasn’t real, it was never real, just a ploy to manipulate me.

And I never spoke my truth, because my truth was always considered a lie.

In my Process Group, there are others just like me, who were taught the exact same lessons, and went out into the world in the same toxic way.

And none of us want to be like that.

We want to believe the compliments, we want to feel safe in vulnerability, we want to see our own value the way we see the value in each other.

That in itself is such a powerful revelation to experience not just individually but as a group.

Its easier for me to tell myself I look rad today.

Its easier for me to tell myself that I deserve to be treated with respect.

Its easier for me to feel loved and cared about.

Once we all found each other, we started to realise that we were never the bad guys.

I’m in a Process Group